It's okay to cry

Occasionally we all need to shed a tear and that's okay

Dear younger Tom,

How are you today?

How are you really?

Have you allowed yourself to release your emotions recently?

Let's face it, it's not often you see a grown man reduced to tears but last week it was like Niagara Falls in my house.

I was sat having dinner with my mom and my daughter (and no it wasn’t mom's cooking that made me cry!) no, I was watching the TV version of "The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse".

Every time it comes on to the screen, I psyche myself up… "Not gonna cry, not this time, not me, not tough guy Tom…"

And every time I see the bloody horse for the first time, I dissolve. Just wait, you’ll see what I mean.

Charlie Mackesy pulled a blinder when he chose the cast for this short film. If you get the chance, watch the documentary behind the making of it – it’s almost as emotional as the film itself. 

Bloody horse, with his soft Irish lilt, so wise, always finding the chink in my armor and making me well up with uncontrollable tears.

Mollie sat watching the water works reach it's crescendo, ever so slightly bemused at her dad's emotional outpouring and she leaned in, in between mouthfuls of spaghetti, strands of pasta hanging from her mouth, whispering;

"Do you want a hug daddy? Are you crying sad tears or happy tears?"

Bloody kid, with her soft gentle nature, always so bloody kind hearted, always warming my heart with her soft words. 

"No Mollie, these are happy tears that are helping me to manage my mental health."

I could see she was deep in thought, trying really hard to articulate the words that had popped so easily into her brain.

She was thinking… "bloody hell dad, keep it light will you, I'm trying to enjoy my spag bol…"

Now that probably wasn't what was going through her mind as she is only 8 years old and due to the nature of her brain injury, her mental age is about 5 years old. But I would like to think that one day she will share the same sense of humor as her dad.

Mom sat there, watching the scenes around the table unfold. I could tell she didn’t know quite what words to say.

And there is a lesson there.

Sometimes just being there and witnessing is enough. You will have times in the future when you are sat across from someone who needs to release their emotions and you may feel the urge to say something, just to fill the uncomfortable silence.

Take my advice and just stay silent. The other person will appreciate you just holding space for them. Nothing more, nothing less, just holding space.

The point is that society frowns on grown men crying and big 6ft 2" guys like me have learnt to bottle up our emotions, not showing weakness of any kind to the fairer sex and quite frankly it's not good for us.

Now chaps (and of course this is sagely wisdom is not just for us fellas!), it's good to cry and let it all out.

You can do it at home, in private. Or you can do it out in public if you really want…

Regardless of the stage, just let it all out.

But to get to the stage of being comfortable crying, first we need to be kinder to ourselves

We could all do with being a little bit kinder to ourselves, our loved ones, our friends, strangers across the way, animals… even the guy in Payroll who routinely f*#k's up my monthly pay check at work… not bitter at all Roy, not bitter at all!

So before I digress anymore, I want you to answer the question:

"What could I do today, to be a little kinder to myself?" and then I want you to go do it.

Honestly, younger Tom, don't underestimate the impact of showing yourself some loving kindness once in a while. It might feel like weakness in the moment, but in the longer term it will give you amazing strength.

You have my permission to be kind to yourself. 

When you have done that, go and find a field with a talking horse in it and listen to him tell you…

"Nothing beats kindness… it sits quietly beyond all things".*

That bloody horse, I swear he's making me cry again.

Enjoy being kind to yourself today, younger Tom.

Love

Older Tom

X

*Paraphrased/Quoted from the book "The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse" by Charlie Mackesy