Reflecting on Bastard Weasel-Face
and how he caused me so much pain from rejection at school
It felt so good to direct all my hate and loathing towards Bastard Weasel-Face.
He had caused me so much pain and upset when he denied me the ability to learn Latin as I had been turning myself inside out at the prospect of mastering this topic. It was very rare for me to be so enthusiastic about learning, especially as I had burnt myself out just trying to get into the elitist Solihull School, which charged a small fortune every term.
Fees that my mom had to work furiously to subsidize.
You see, after my dad died when I was nine years old, we relocated back to Warwickshire where all of our family were based, so that my mom, sister and me could try and find a new rhythm to this strange and scary chapter that had recently unfolded in our lives.
During the first term at my new primary school I sat a couple of tests to benchmark where I was in my learning journey.
Turns out I wasn’t very far along at all.
I scored a whopping 9/100 in my Math test and I broke into double digits for English, scoring 11% for my written work. I knew my reading scores would be higher because I loved immersing myself in books, but was crestfallen to find I had only reached the not-so-lofty heights of 21% in this area.
The reason for my poor performance was directly tied into my profound deafness, which had hampered my ability to hear my teachers from my very first day of school.
I have 50% hearing loss in both ears as a result of contracting Whooping Cough when I was a baby.
Because I couldn’t hear the teachers in class, I would frequently drift off into the depths of my imagination and daydream.
I would quite often start imaginary conversations with myself and talk out loud. I still do it to this day, much to the chagrin of those around me.
I think that’s why I like being on Substack so much, because it allows me to channel my imagination into my writing, as well as the cathartic release I feel whenever I write openly and honestly.
Back at primary school, my teachers rallied round me and coached me furiously, so that I could reach the potential that they saw in me but I didn’t know existed at all.
I think it was here that I fell in love with coaching and probably shaped me into who I am today professionally, although I didn’t realize that at the time.
As my confidence grew in lessons, I started to break out of my shell and form new friendships with my class mates.
I also became something of a mini hero on the rugby pitch because I was the ‘fastest’ boy in the school. This was a real badge of honor and something I was deeply proud of.
I never felt rejected here, which in one respect was good but in another way it was bad because I didn’t know the feeling of being rejected by friends or teachers.
That all changed when I went to senior school.
Solihull School
Or hell on earth as I would later come to call it.
Long gone were the friendly corridors filled with smiling teachers, instead there were huge collections of daunting big multi-story buildings holding hundreds of soulless classrooms.
Classrooms that were filled with ultra-competitive pupils led by trolls and witches moody teachers, who clearly hated their jobs and themselves.
It explains the mannerisms’ of Bastard Weasel-Face when I reflect back on it. Maybe when he started his teaching post at the school, he may well have actually been human. It was only after a couple of decades teaching adolescent teens, the finer points of Latin, that he became a complete douche bag.
But I was always curious to find out why this arsehole caused me to feel so rejected at school and why it had such a profound effect on me throughout life.
What is the fear of rejection and why is it so impactful?
Fundamentally, rejection is all about believing the irrational fears that people won’t accept you or your opinions, values, beliefs and behaviors.
Now imagine, as a new pupil at a school of over 1000, where you are now one of the smallest (compared to being one of the biggest… and fastest!)., you want more than anything else, to fit in. To be accepted by the masses.
You will do anything not to be rejected.
All of a sudden, you find yourself acting and speaking differently, behaving like the other ‘cool’ kids even though it doesn’t suit your personality.
What you don’t realize when you mimic other people’s behaviour, is that even though you are trying to understand their wants and needs better, you are doing so at the sacrifice of your own personality.
You are not being authentically you, instead you are just a carbon copy of someone else, who doesn’t share the same values as yourself. Why would they? They haven’t lived your life or walked in your shoes.
When it’s your turn to speak up in front of a class, you find yourself suddenly tongue tied or afraid to say no to things that you really should say no to.
This causes the problem to deepen.
You lack the courage to stand up and express your point of view on a subject because you don’t believe anyone will take you seriously. Only to find that little Johnny sat two rows behind you does stand up and says everything you were going to say and gets extra credit from the teacher for making such a great point.
I never liked little Johnny. He was a bastard.
The more this goes on, the more you start to feel that others are superior to you and you could never live up to their abilities or expectations, which is complete bullshit of course but you weren’t to know that at the time.
You develop deep feelings of dissatisfaction at life and you begin to internalize it, which you now know is a recipe for disaster. Anger starts to materialize in your day-to-day behavior. You have to nip this in the bud, otherwise you may end up punching little Johnny in the face.
Or Bastard Weasel-Face.
Yeah… I need to work on diffusing this anger before I do something stupid.
It’s surprising how many people walk around with all this anger inside of them, not realizing that if they worked on dealing with feelings of rejection, the anger will lessen - not completely disappear but lessen.
Deal with rejection first, anger second. Not the other way round, which is what most people do.
So how could younger Tom have handled the rejections of Bastard Weasel-Face better?
That is a great question and is likely something that all of us could do with mastering, especially those of us who write here on Substack and potentially face rejection every time we post.
Of course, rejection is not just for us authors, it can be for anyone. Maybe your starting a new career and need to drum up business with new prospects. Perhaps you’re plucking up the courage to join a new social group to make friends or ask someone out on a date.
Rejection is lurking round the corner and is waiting for an opportunity to pounce on you and tear you to pieces.
But we see you rejection, we know your there and we are not scared of you anymore.
Because we are about to master how to control you and keep you in your box.
Step 1: Accept the Rejection
When BWF rejected the notion that Tom couldn’t follow his dreams of studying Latin, he (Tom) took it personally, which was a huge mistake. It wasn’t personal, BWF was tied down by constraints set by the school and the people who set the curriculum.
Do you think that when Tom mirrored the rejection back to BWF and declared him his eternal nemesis, that he was acting correctly? Could there have been a better way to respond?
I think so.
Some good questions to ask here would be:
What are the real reasons behind this rejection?
What is the message behind the rejection?
If I was in their shoes, would I give the same rejection?
If I asked them for advice about what to do next in the face of this rejection, what would they say?
By accepting the rejection with grace, Tom could have got curious about the reasons for rejection and calmly explored other options and alternatives.
Which leads us nicely to the next step.
Step 2: Maintain a Cool Head
Not one of Tom’s strong points (even after 42 years of being on this planet).
It’s human nature to mirror back behavior of others when they turn you down from an offer or suggestion. Society as a whole is getting worse at managing the ego, so the default behavior that has developed through the generations is to protect itself (your ego) at all costs.
So you end up fighting fire with fire.
Think about when your driving and somebody honks their horn at you and gives you a load of verbal abuse, what’s your reaction? I bet a pretty penny you don’t start meditating like a zen monk, but that is exactly the spectrum of the behavior that you should be aiming for.
Step 3: Gain Alternate Perspectives
If Tom had separated himself from his ego, he would have had the opportunity to see the world through the weaselly eyes of BWF. As much as he hated him, the differing perspective would have allowed a deeper sense of understanding as to the rationalization of others decisions.
Other people’s maps of the world and Tom’s would have more chance of aligning (or at least reaching a point of mutual understanding and respect).
Can you relate in your own world?
The more you start to actively see things from others points of view, the less friction and arguments you will face on a daily basis.
Angry co-workers, disinterested readers, family members, distant friends - they all start rebuilding fractured relationships with you and your fear of rejection starts to diminish.
Step 4: Bring on the Positive Self-Talk
Over the years, Tom has got very good at practicing positive self-talk in the face of rejection.
Sometime you can’t change the outcomes of things but the one thing and this is really important to remember, is that you can always decide what your reaction will be to the outcome.
So if Mr Shit meets Mr Fan, you decide to either react in a positive manner or a negative one. The outcome won’t change but your reaction will determine your feelings and therefore your resultant behavior.
Create a simple one sentence mantra that you will commit to using when your day goes astray and watch as you are then able to control your fears of rejection.
Step 5: Try Again
Hindsight. So beautiful yet so elusive until you have the guts to give things a go and face rejection square on.
Tom (me!) could not have written this post without the value of hindsight and now I know what I now know, I can act differently in a similar situation.
Which gives me the courage to try again and every time I give myself the opportunity to have another go, I get better, more efficient and my fear of rejection loses more of its power over me.
You have the same opportunity… are you going to take it?
Mini-Course on Handling Rejection
As we approach the end of 2024, I am currently building a small mini-course on the steps you can take to reduce your fear of rejection.
Once it’s created I will launch it on Gumroad and I will announce it’s launch on Substack.
Watch this space!