Reflecting on July
and how some simple NLP techniques helped make me more confident and less afraid of being a responsible dad
Life’s thrown a few punches my way, but I’m still here—writing, coaching, and sharing the journey with anyone who needs a reminder that they’re not alone.
If my words have helped you feel a little braver, a little lighter, or just a little less alone, you can fuel my next story (and my next coffee) right here:
☕️ Buy Me a Coffee — because even secondhand hearts run better on caffeine.
or if you would rather keep me buzzed up writing regularly why not become a paid subscriber?
I kickstarting the Reflections posts (something I have been putting off for too long now but I feel is important for my own writing journey and which will hopefully inspire others to reflect on their own journey in life.
As you read, feel free to share to notes with your own insight that you gained from reading the article.
Enjoy!
Personally, July has been bit of a rollercoaster and I’m kind of glad to step into August and see what unfolds in the coming weeks.
After having a series of quite intense back-and-forth arguments with my ex, we have cleared the air and made space to allow us both to be the best versions of ourselves when it comes to co-parenting our daughter Mollie.
As many of you will appreciate, it can be very hard to carve out time during a busy day/week and still have copious amounts of energy to expel with a small child. A task made harder because Mollie has a complex acquired brain injury, which requires extra care and attention.
So I sat down midway through the month and brainstormed ways to add some excitement into our daddy-daughter time.
Here’s what we did together:
Spent the day at my auntie’s house making full use of the swimming pool (I taught Mollie & her cousin Floss how to turn their belly-flops into graceful dives); used hot tub; Ran around large gardens playing tig; Ate our bodyweight in beef burgers and ice cream…
Made use of wet rainy days and played lots of indoor games such as magnetic rocks; balance blocks & Monopoly.
This was so much fun and proved that even the simplest of games can turn boring minutes into hours of fun and laughter, strengthening that all important quality time spent together.
Took Mollie to her weekly horse-riding session with the RDA (Riding For the Disabled).
What made this extra special is that Floss came with us for the first time. Floss has been riding horses since she was a toddler so she knows them inside out.
As Mollie was riding around the parade ring, Floss took the time to explain to me what the horse and rider were doing together - how they were communicating to each other.
It opened my eyes to things that although had been right in front of me the whole time, I had never really seen the nuances of horse riding. It was magical to hear Floss proudly cheering on her cousin and Mollie’s smile lit up the parade ring…
Discovered the Cotswold Water Park near Cirencester, a series of lakes that have been adapted to resemble a beach (without the Jelly fish or other hungry fish with big teeth!).
We spent an hour navigating our way around an inflatable assault course (imagine a series of giant bouncy castles with slides and jump off points).
If you want a work out that hits all your muscles (including the belly-busting laughing ones - this is the place for you).
Went hunting for Gruffalo’s in the nearest wood we could find… I swear we heard one in the bushes but we managed to escape by the seat of our pants, so we did what any self-respecting Gruffalo hunter does at the end of the chase… we went for ice cream…
The Lessons I Learnt from These Experiences
What I learnt from this week, is that fun and adventure can be found anywhere and it doesn’t always have to be expensive. For too long I had been using my lack of disposable cash as an excuse to not go out and do things.
In reality, when I got creative and used my imagination and a bit of careful planning, I was able to engineer the above circumstances without hurting my wallet.
But there was also a bigger thing at play, something which I will be unpacking in future letters to my younger self. I was scared.
Scared to be the only adult in the group on some of the days out. This might sound strange, but I kept playing over in my mind what would happen if I collapsed with heart complications, whilst out and about with Mollie.
My mind was racing, thinking of how she would be alone and vulnerable, unable to find her way home, to the safety of loved ones in our family.
This nightmare was slowly eroding my sense of adventure and I knew it had to be tackled head on. So that’s what I did.
During lockdown, back in 2020, I decided to start my own personal journey of growth and mental recovery. No longer was I going to allow my mental demons to control my future. I wiped my slate clean and started with a bank canvas.
I enrolled on a course to get certified as an NLP practitioner and it was hands down one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It started with completing over 50 hours of online material and then completing a written assignment to show that I understood the content.
After that, I spent 6 days in an immersive setting, practicing the content in-person with a small dedicated group of fellow students.
What was incredible, was the feeling of witnessing trapped emotions in my body disappear by working through powerful mental programming techniques. Being a small intimate setting, I asked the master practitioner who had been one of the first disciples of NLP to work on me 1-2-1.
After we did the ‘Parts’ therapy, I felt such a whirlwind of emotions and I burst out crying, which was hugely embarrassing but ultimately it came with a huge sense of freedom and lightness.
Then came the reframing and anchoring techniques. It was these two techniques that would be my salvation in recent times.
In a nutshell, you visualize your current situation and you draw in your mind an alternative reality, one that is created on your terms, limited only by your imagination.
Once you have this new reality formed in your mind, you anchor it into your psyche. It’s probably beyond the scope of this written article to fully explain how it works, it’s something you have to experience in-person.
What it looks like in my life right now
I wanted to apply the techniques to two of the biggest challenges that were paralyzing me from taking action: fear and self-belief.
Fear that something terrible would happen and the self-belief that I could show up as a good dad to Mollie.
Reframing
Instead of fearing the worst would happen on every adventure, I chose to think about the exact opposite scenario happening and then adding some colour and excitement into the mental video I had on loop.
Even just doing this, offered a sense of calm about the future but I didn’t want surface level solutions, I wanted a deep transformation.
So the day before I was about to embark to the water park in Cirencester, I went onto the website to look at photos of the assault course, so that I could prime my mind. Then I went and meditated on my bed, allowing my mind to forecast what I would be doing the following day.
As I lay on the bed, listening to the birds singing outside, I imagined myself at the lake’s edge, dipping my toes into the cool water. I could see the inflatable course in the distance and I imagined what it would feel like to wade out into the water and start swimming towards the nearest slide.
For those of you have been on a bouncy castle, you will know what I mean when I say there is a certain rubbery smell, that once smelt, stays with you for life. I pictured this smell, mixed with the lake water and imagined sensing it in abundance as I hauled my heavy, wet body out of the lake.
It made me smile.
I could sense so vividly what it would feel like to navigate the course, listening to Mollie with muted ears (I am profoundly deaf in both ears and so can’t wear hearing aids in the water). Her quiet giggles, spurring me onwards.
As I imagined reaching the top of the slide, I could sense what it would feel like holding her little hand as we both packed out laughing before we jumped feet first down the slide back into the refreshing embrace of the beautiful lake.
I don’t know about you but I am really enjoying the reframe!
Not an ounce of fear in sight, instead replaced with feelings of joy, laughter and love.
Yeah, more of that please.
Anchoring in that feeling
Imagine if you could replicate the above reframe, at the touch of a button. I’m not talking about carrying an electrical button with you everywhere you go, instead, I want to explain how you can use a ‘button’ that automatically goes with you, everywhere you go.
Hint: it’s on your hand!
How to do it:
From your reframe choose 1-3 emotions that you really gained from doing the exercise (for me it was joy, laughter and love).
Now look at your hands. If you are right handed, look at your left hand - specifically, the first knuckle.
Touch it with you your right index finger to get used to the sensation and then take your finger off the knuckle - this is important
Now, recall your reframe and live it, breathe it, sense it.
When you reach the height of your reframe (when it feels the most intense), touch your knuckle with your right finger and take a deep breath inwards but don’t hold it in, just keep breathing deeply, in & out.
As the intensity of the reframe begins to drop, immediately release your finger from the knuckle.
Visualize a tupperware box that has a clickable lid and ‘hear’ the sound of the lid locking closed, just as you release the finger from the knuckle.
Then break your thought process completely and say out loud what you had for breakfast this morning.
Walk around for 30 seconds, shaking your hands and arms and then test your anchor.
Hold the finger against the knuckle and gauge out of ten how easy it is to recall the emotions from step 1. (hint: if this your first time doing the exercise, the number will be most likely 4 or 5 - keep repeating the process until it’s an 9 or 10)
Why it helps?
Everyone needs a little helping hand from time to time when tackling our own mental demons. This is a proven NLP framework that has been used by 1000’s of people around the globe for over 50 years.
Whenever I tried it, I have always felt my confidence improve by 2-3 points and with each use, my benchmark confidence increases and my fear dissipates.
So you try it and see for yourself how it works in your life.
Until next time, take care!
Tom
XXX
NLP is so powerful - I use it a lot in my work. So glad you were able to work through so much and spend such good times with Mollie😊☀️